Sunday, March 30, 2014

Keep Making Me

This past week I have really struggled with the fact that I have absolutely NO control, not alittle bit but none....over this process. I would love to say this is the first time but we all know the answer to that. Yes, I  have tried to lay it down more than once.  It is hard to explain the emotions I feel.. the issue is trying to get my heart to communicate with my brain. So much harder than it sounds. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt, I can't do anything but I so badly want to. Yes, I do realize I am showing signs of being bi-polar based on my last post just a few weeks back. Positivity comes in waves! :) 

So....quick update, we returned from our last trip to Haiti on March 2nd - Ellie's birthday.  We were told while there it was a possibility that she could be home in 3 months. I heard it but tried not to internalize the idea because we have been stuck in every part of this process. Being vulnerable would allow more pain if it didnt happen. There is no way she would be home in 3 months, I thought. Not to mention I send emails and hear there is no progress, our file hasn't moved since we left. How is this ever gonna happen if our file doesn't move??? These are the conversations I have with myself frequently.  Um yes, once again limiting God. It isn't that I don't think God is capable because I know he is. It is fully just me being stubborn. Another example, I have prayed for God to open or close doors, even recently (like last week) but my response to the closed door isn't what it should be. Because I desperately want a different answer. Adoption has meant a lot of confession for me. Again, slow learner. 

Fast forward to Friday afternoon.  After a few days off with the kids for spring break, I should be on cloud 9 but I am once again impatient. Impatience is followed by the C word. I start an email to our crèche to ask has there been any movement since last weeks email. Watched pot!!!! I am distracted before finishing the email by a walk at the park with my sweet Riley and our doggie Autumn. (Insert, happiness)  A few hours later I go back into my drafts and finish the email and hit send. I have to immediately check my sent items to make sure it in fact did send. Hello...I'm controlling. Who knew?  Upon returning to my inbox, I had an email from our crèche that was sent about 2 hours before where they had notified us of movement. My eyes swell with tears and I begin thanking Jesus! Then I of course make a quick call to Brad, such a day brighter. I have found through this process the enemy will try to steal any joy I have at any time but specifically before we get good news. And I am saddened to say I all to often left it happen! 

God's grace is such a beautiful thing, I am so thankful for His love and forgiveness when I doubt.  I continue to see God's hand in our adoption and how He teaches me something new everyday. Sidewalk Prophets has a song that I love, Keep Making Me. If you haven't listened to it, take the time. I attached a link to a great version below on YouTube. My prayer is that God will bring Ellie home quickly but most of all that he would keep making me through the process.

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