This past week I have really struggled with the fact that I have absolutely NO control, not alittle bit but none....over this process. I would love to say this is the first time but we all know the answer to that. Yes, I have tried to lay it down more than once. It is hard to explain the emotions I feel.. the issue is trying to get my heart to communicate with my brain. So much harder than it sounds. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt, I can't do anything but I so badly want to. Yes, I do realize I am showing signs of being bi-polar based on my last post just a few weeks back. Positivity comes in waves! :)
So....quick update, we returned from our last trip to Haiti on March 2nd - Ellie's birthday. We were told while there it was a possibility that she could be home in 3 months. I heard it but tried not to internalize the idea because we have been stuck in every part of this process. Being vulnerable would allow more pain if it didnt happen. There is no way she would be home in 3 months, I thought. Not to mention I send emails and hear there is no progress, our file hasn't moved since we left. How is this ever gonna happen if our file doesn't move??? These are the conversations I have with myself frequently. Um yes, once again limiting God. It isn't that I don't think God is capable because I know he is. It is fully just me being stubborn. Another example, I have prayed for God to open or close doors, even recently (like last week) but my response to the closed door isn't what it should be. Because I desperately want a different answer. Adoption has meant a lot of confession for me. Again, slow learner.
Fast forward to Friday afternoon. After a few days off with the kids for spring break, I should be on cloud 9 but I am once again impatient. Impatience is followed by the C word. I start an email to our crèche to ask has there been any movement since last weeks email. Watched pot!!!! I am distracted before finishing the email by a walk at the park with my sweet Riley and our doggie Autumn. (Insert, happiness) A few hours later I go back into my drafts and finish the email and hit send. I have to immediately check my sent items to make sure it in fact did send. Hello...I'm controlling. Who knew? Upon returning to my inbox, I had an email from our crèche that was sent about 2 hours before where they had notified us of movement. My eyes swell with tears and I begin thanking Jesus! Then I of course make a quick call to Brad, such a day brighter. I have found through this process the enemy will try to steal any joy I have at any time but specifically before we get good news. And I am saddened to say I all to often left it happen!
God's grace is such a beautiful thing, I am so thankful for His love and forgiveness when I doubt. I continue to see God's hand in our adoption and how He teaches me something new everyday. Sidewalk Prophets has a song that I love, Keep Making Me. If you haven't listened to it, take the time. I attached a link to a great version below on YouTube. My prayer is that God will bring Ellie home quickly but most of all that he would keep making me through the process.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jsP_SwSyZ-w
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Why Today?
Why today....why am I posting on our blog after a year and a half has gone by and nothing. Not a single word! To be honest i'm not 100% sure... it isn't like I got up this morning thinking it was a good day to blog, or I have some exciting news to share; let alone something meaningful or inspirational. I really haven't had the desire to blog or even thought about the blog itself in several months. However, after reading another blog this afternoon, nothing related to adoption, I decided to pull ours up. As I looked back through my previous post (almost like looking back at old photos) I realized how much of the process I had blocked from my thoughts. I have been so focused on what hasn't happened yet and the whys that I have forgotten to celebrate where we are now. I like to think of myself as a positive person, I think in most situations I really do see the glass half full. But the truth is, I have allowed my attitude to change over time in regards to our adoption.
Question: Why Today?
Plan and simple we have been in the process a long 3 1/2 years. Not to mention we are STILL in the process. Somewhere along the way I got lost in the whys and the negatives. Why isn't she home yet? Why are other families bringing their children home sooner when they started the process much later than us? I created these UGLY negative thoughts and have allowed them to set up shop. I have allowed the process to be about me. I have said many times it wasn't about me but once again I have made it about me. In the beginning it was about us....the initial talk of adoption was about how we could feed another child, we could cloth another child, we could love another child. Our hearts were pure and we truly felt we had been called to adopt and we would be doing a good thing. Over time, God changed my heart to realize it wasn't about what we had to offer but how if we allowed him to use us, he could be glorified.
So here I am writing this post because once again I have allowed the process to be about me but in a
different way. After some much needed self reflection, I am realizing slowly (sometimes it takes me awhile to get it) it is time to change! This has been along time coming...meaningful or inspirational thoughts can happen even if she isn't home. Why am I limiting God's moving on behalf of our adoption because of my negative attitude.
Answer: Why Not Today?
T-o-d-a-y is a new day. A new day to find hope, a new day to share all that God has done and is doing in the process of our adoption and our life as we wait. Our adoption will happen and it will happen in God's perfect timing. It is time to meditate on the positive. I will sing His praises in all that He is doing so He may receive the glory He is due. Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who did begin a good work, will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus.
Question: Why Today?
Plan and simple we have been in the process a long 3 1/2 years. Not to mention we are STILL in the process. Somewhere along the way I got lost in the whys and the negatives. Why isn't she home yet? Why are other families bringing their children home sooner when they started the process much later than us? I created these UGLY negative thoughts and have allowed them to set up shop. I have allowed the process to be about me. I have said many times it wasn't about me but once again I have made it about me. In the beginning it was about us....the initial talk of adoption was about how we could feed another child, we could cloth another child, we could love another child. Our hearts were pure and we truly felt we had been called to adopt and we would be doing a good thing. Over time, God changed my heart to realize it wasn't about what we had to offer but how if we allowed him to use us, he could be glorified.
So here I am writing this post because once again I have allowed the process to be about me but in a
different way. After some much needed self reflection, I am realizing slowly (sometimes it takes me awhile to get it) it is time to change! This has been along time coming...meaningful or inspirational thoughts can happen even if she isn't home. Why am I limiting God's moving on behalf of our adoption because of my negative attitude.
Answer: Why Not Today?
T-o-d-a-y is a new day. A new day to find hope, a new day to share all that God has done and is doing in the process of our adoption and our life as we wait. Our adoption will happen and it will happen in God's perfect timing. It is time to meditate on the positive. I will sing His praises in all that He is doing so He may receive the glory He is due. Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who did begin a good work, will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus.
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